Raising a shit storm. For some it’s a very tedious task. People prefer to stay away from shit hence find it hard to do anything with shit storms. However, to some it comes very easy. Naturally, instinctively, without effort, out of habit, a routine task. Out of these, few are born to raise shit storms and few learn the art.
If there was a standard procedure to achieving a shit storm it most likely will go like this.
Find a large empty area (if there is some shit lying there never mind). Shit as much as you can. Done? No need to clean-up. Start gathering shit from nearby. Keep moving all the shit to this marked area. Yes, do mark the boundary of the area. There may be other shit piles coming up next to yours and you don’t want a shit boundary issue. Conflict of shit is hard to resolve. In fact, use some shit to mark the boundary. Depending on your mood and how large scale shit storm you want to create, and hence how much shit you want to gather, mark the area. The shape of area could be a circle, circle would be ideal, but you can make it a square, a rectangle, rhombus, triangle whatever and whichever shape you prefer. If you hate the US army you can make a pentagon. A pentagon of shit, to be used to raise a shit storm. Now that would be a classic. No shape will do just fine as well. Just gather the shit in the place. Hurry up before it dries into a hard stinking mound of good-for-nothing-shit. Is the pile good enough for the storm you plan to raise? Not yet. Rope in some help. Ask other people to deposit their shit. Compensate them if they don’t give for free. If they refuse sharing shit after compensation so what raise the next shit storm to scare the shit out of these people and then use that shit-in-the-pants to raise another storm. Go to faraway places. Collect shit. Pile up high and handsome. But hurry up. Generally, there won’t be many people refusing to share their shit. You will be amazed at how generous people are in letting you take their shit away. There will be looks that you won’t understand, strange looks as if people can’t make who you are or what you are up to, but how does it matter, keep gathering the shit. Do hurry up though.
Now comes the most significant step. Once you have collected the treasure, the mound, the pile, the hill whatever you want to call it, the shit of your efforts, stand back, relax and have a look at it. This is the result of your hard work. Maybe others contributed but you made them do it. Have a good look at all the shit you have piled. Depending on how good you are at raising a storm all may disappear by the time you are done. This is your shit pile, your creation. You are the God of this shit-pile.
Other important thing to keep in mind is to ensure you are ready for the hard task ahead. Well fed, full of energy, good enough to achieve your goal. Eat few bananas, energy bars, drugs whatever because once the storm is started you can’t stop till it is finished. Else what goes up and goes up only a small distance comes down and comes down fast to not give you a chance to move. You don’t want the shit coming back on you. Not your own shit. So, make sure you are full of energy. Ready to raise such a storm so as never witnessed before. But do hurry up.
Ready? Take a deep breath. If you are wearing your best suit, don’t worry about it getting dirty. This is the moment of your glory. This is your shit storm. Deep breath done? Hold it; treasure the air that is in the lungs. Not till the storm is done with will you be able to breathe such air. It may be hours, years depending on how good or bad you are raising shit storms.
Take the plunge.
Fill your hands, throw it up, swing your legs, kick it around, run, jump, swing, swirl, dance, let the motion take you away, loosen the body, let yourself become part of the motion, the motion that is you, the motion that is the shit flying, the motion that is you is shit flying, the motion where the shit pile ceases to exist, where it’s you and your motion and where you decide which direction, how far, where, when, how much, how big, how small, a downpour or a drizzle, where you decide how the motion is created, what shape the motion takes, you go on, no breathing is needed by your body, you open your mouth, the taste comes, you spit it out, increasing the motion, on and on, a dancer in trance, a warrior leading armies, a poet in motion, this is you, your creation, your child, you are the God.
This is the plunge that defines you. The plunge that defines your shit storm.
This would be what can be called a standard procedure to raise a shit storm. But man is smarter. And constrained as well, so he has to improvise. A poor fella will have to do it on his own. Just like this, all by himself. Create his shitty little shit storm. A man of more means can disturb a block or two. Few men together maybe able to stir a state. A lord, a king, a ruler may gather his troops and shake up few countries.
With kings it’s different, they don’t do the dance to raise the storms. They sit in their white houses, away from the stink and let the troops do the work. They are aware that when a large contingent of their troops raise shit storm there are bound to be casualities to those creating the storm as well. Some suffocating to death with so much shit around and some being taken by the storm or other warriors or the rebels. The kings pride themselves in raising the best shit storms without dealing with the ground realities of shit. And then they have to justify such large scale shit storms, the kind that go far, from one country to other, leaving stink and destruction in its wake. They claim it’s needed to overthrow the rebel shit storms, the shit storms that are directed towards their cleaner and still white houses.
The rebels. The rebel storms. The rebel shit storms.
Well a rebel can be anybody whom the kings don’t like or who himself does not like the kings. A rebel can create shit storms in many fancy ways. To be a rebel you need to be a lunatic, crazy, a person with the sharpest of the minds, a person with least of the mercies. You are up against the kings. The kings with their troops. You a rebel. You have to be smart, innovative, sharp, quick, else you don’t make your shit storm happen, the troops shit storm storms you dead.
Some smart rebels wait for the natural storms to come. Then they stuff themselves full. Eat a load of crap and when they are bursting with pressure of the shit they dare the elements, they climb the highest branches of the tallest trees and let go the pressure and the direction and power of the winds take the shit away in a storm. Engulfing unsuspecting population, enjoying the winds with a very undigested shit.
Some rebels use other peoples piles of shits to create storms. Sometimes even a king’s pile of shit. They feed a bird. They feed themselves. Both bird and the rebel are now reasonably full of shit. Then the rebel flies on the wings of the bird. He looks around. He finds the tallest piles of the shit that the king had made. He is thinking of making a shit storm of the king’s white house but that is a smaller pile. He finds two tall large piles of shit next to each other. Another rebel is on another bird. Full of shit just like him. And bang. They crash into the piles of shit. Kings shit, rebels shit, birds shit, all mixed with each other. Mixed beyond recognition. And what a shit storm they raise. The kind that raises a lot of stink.
And thus the king gets a chance to justify (not that he is worried about all the justifications) and raise many more shit storms. The rebels feed the king. The kings creating the rebels. The vicious circle of shit eating shit, shit creating shit.
And you may think of many more ways of raising shit storms. But in the end it’s the stink that remains.
The end. Yes, that’s a fascinating concept. Wonder when that will be. Wonder how big that shit storm will have to be. And wonder who will be left to suffer that stink.
Yet there have been many rebels and kings and shit storms before. History is tired and its pages are full with so many great events that all shit storms and the rebels and kings who raised these don’t find a place in its pages. History has found a way, a way to remember all those who are involved in creating shit storms. Me for creating this three page shit storm, you for spending five minutes on spreading the thought of this shit storm, everyone who has raised, plans to raise and will raise a shit storm, the rebels, the kings, the troops, all, everyone of them. History has associated them all with the place which is designed to drop shit.
History has catalogued all under ARSEHOLES.
The cover of Annie Zaidi’s ‘prelude to a riot’ carries in red letters – ‘A white-hot novel about today’s India.’ White hot! Hotter than red-...
The first time I wrote about a female working with SLB, the article made it to INM Masala Pipeline. Lakshmi enjoyed a very short lived (o...
She is done with the morning’s cooking and cleaning. “Listen, you take the rest of the month off. We will let you know when to start aga...
From the first words, ‘Je ho ji tu samjhe mahiya, Oho ji main hain nahin’ ‘What you know of me, my dear, I am not that’, as the epigram to t...